Its a mixed up world.

So, im sat on my sofa, watching torchwood, at the request of james, who has this obsession with finding a long blue, large collared coat, just like 'captain jack's', only i think he will look much better in that one from Next.

what to do, when you feel shit, your throat is sore, limbs all ache, neck is stiff and really really do not want to go outside, so inside i shall stay, i actually thought that tonight was halloween, i mean what how can i be so many days off, night shifts screw me up, as does PMS, it makes me shitty and moody and i hate everything and love everything all at once, including a touch of sadness and greed, greed in that i make irrational decisions in buying things i really cannot afford and do not need.

On the upside im going to guernsey for allies birthday 18th-22nd november, booked tickets and everything, i think the break will do me good, separate my thoughts from southampton and give james a break from me, iv never been to guernsey before, and im a bit worried about what to expect about allies parents, her dad more specifically, iv met them both and they are lovely, her dad is a mans man, who has a wife who has her place, as do all women in his household, from her own mouth she told me that she (allie a 25 yr old girl) was last smacked by her dad aged 21!!!!This girl needs cheering up, shes just broken upi with her long term boyfriend run of 3 years, theres me thinking they had a great relationship, i didnt realise that she only saw him for 2 hrs a week and then it was only sex, he said that he lived to far away but he was only in f****** winchester, from living with him and being totally dependant, to this, she is so strong, allies got back, balls, the lot, she has taen her life by the reigns and done a bucking broncho and stayed on, admire her, im still going to get her a rampant rabbit for her birthday though, her pocket pleasure i gave her ran out of pleasing, she broke it!!

I get the impression that im hassling James a bit much at the moment and he seems to be distancing himself, and i don't think its secondary to some boil. Having read james last input to his blog, the way i read it sounds like hes distancing himself from all things in southampton, and im just worried that that will mean me too, god knows i love that boy, i just think that he wants to make things easy for me and him when leaves, sets up to leave, they say that distance makes the heart grow fonder, but right now i feel like the distance is large, mostly my fault, ikeep insisting that i don't want to talk about it, i do, i just dont want to accept it. I really dont know why im so upset, all going to plan i go with him, but even then, the time has to be right, in all reality the course im going to try and get on will start oct 2007, and if i dont get onto that one it will be january 2008, both lasting four months, and then add another four months post course and we get to september again, me leaving at this point would be pointless as either

• james will be coming back.
• me and james may not be together any more.
• it may be too late for me to travel.

I am also realistic, james may not want to come home, he may wish to travel more, travel with katy, but according to katy she is in two minds, although working with martin is a real plus for james, i think that he would come back to england just for that opportunity, plus a night on the town under a banner martins rubbers sounds most appealing.

Today the clocks went back, and i have taken the opportunity to get an hour furthur on zelda, but as it turns out i still managed to waste it as i ended up taking an hour to figure out how to throw medli to some ledge, as it turns out i was pointing her at the wrong one, and when i tried the other she got there first time, time wasting is a bitch, however the humiliation does not end there, mid way through this fiasco i called james to ask him how to do it, so he now knows that he is much better than me at at least one gamecube game, but then i dont normally walkthrough the games with hints and tips, (gotta love the initiative there).

Spoke to my mum and dad today, they re in france, up a mountain in alpe d'huez, a mountain which we skiied down early this year, staying in the only open hotel in the village, me, jealous much! They'll be home soon, glad about that missing my mum lots, plus as ever i shall always be daddies girl, also i'll get a pressie. Im not shallow, or expectant, they just told me they would.

dont know what else to say.

so bye.