What to do?

I know right now, im not in a good place, and i need to be, but then once again, iv had a shit day at work, too busy, death right beside me, demanding consultants and me making sure everyone else was ok, and i, being completely unsupported by the senior team, could people not see that i was inundated, especially as i was mentoring at the same time. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

So now my mums back and we've had the chat, i feel a bit better; so yes once again i shall bring up the issue of the not moving in with me part, i feel the way i do because;

• i do not feel wanted.
• i feel rejected.
• unsupported,
• not needed.
• denied access all areas.
• i feel very insecure in myself.

Insecure is an understatement, its got to that i need to be back at work so i can keep my mind off things i have lots of friends at work, and although work can be stressful and trying i still find that that is where i get most of my support from. I will get over it, but its a set back, a blow, a knock in confidence. Im also having issues with adjusting to the james promotion and not being around so much, and i know he can do nothing about it, its not like im not glad he got the promotion, i am, he deserves it, he works so hard, and he has the respect of his senior colleagues. Im being selfish i know, im being needy and attention seeking and in all honesty problematic, but for the now, that is how im dealing.

Like i said mums back, and we can talk and talk through the scenarios, i respect my mothers opinion, she knows whats good for me, she raised me, and she has made some very valid points, both ways, and right now, they stay between me and her, some things are just best left unsaid, but seriously, how can two people be at such complete stages in a relationship, why is the next step so hard?

James knowing you read this, try and understand me, know why im weird, selfish, overbearing, needy, clingy, wanting, its just because right now im for want of a better word, well im lonely, and im shit scared that you my darling, are going to leave me. There, your school is closing, and im hoping in all selfishness that you will take the promotion, stay with the school and still get your porsche, but i also want you to go and do your everything before 30, travel, earn money, get a porsche, earn 40k, be special, and then come home to me.

You ask why things have to change, truth be known, things don't neee, i just need to know that change is not an impossible future event, and im not talking ten years down the line, lets just call it the near distant future, and no, i do not want babies despite having held one in the last three days and not feeling even the slightest bit broody. I love that feeling when you can give the screaming child back, although to be fair, the baby was no longer screaming and seemed to take much delight in james, it truly was a staring competition which kjames was not prepared to loose, this baby may i just say is 6 months old, what does this say about the male mentality? Oh the amusement on my face and the look of absolute terror in james eyes as i walked down those stairs with the baby, priceless, and yet i still hear the phrase yelled ' I DONT WANT BABIES.' well james here is the news neither do i, but the truth is everybody likes to hold a little squishy pretty blue eyed baby in their arms sometimes,and i think even you enjoyed a little bit holding him, and no this is not an analogy to you, you are neither squidgy nor a baby, but neither am i your whore!!!! I may accept bitch every now and again though.

So this blog is me over the past week, alot of thoughts and feelings remain the same, but they are buried, and i will leave them to do that for as long is as healthily possible, but for now i am happy, iv hd a good week, my mums home, dads good, james is lovely, my brother is drunk again and im getting attention from the people i love, so im happy, everyone has sad ties, and yes i blame mine on pms, and i am going to continue to do this until my hormones sort themselves out; which apparently will not be untill after the menopause, bad luck james!!!

So iv just finished a night shift, boring, tiring nothing new and crap. i hope tonight is alittle more interesting, and there had better be someone nice in charge, i want a nice busy patient and a cup of tea before eleven then im done, happy as a sand girl.

New year will as ever go forward and happen, but whether or not it is in edinburgh at the amazing hogmany i do not think so, i am thinking ray beavis in devon with all the people i love, and hopefully james with some people he can bear, which lets face it is not very many people, circle of trust, i swear he stole that from meet the parents/fockers. but hey i love him.

so goodnight people, and good morning, i am now going to bed whilst all you people stay outside in the cold and the mist and the fog.